The little things

A hand to hold on the way. A speed dial that is always on the ready. A hug that calms the world around you. A look that says it all. A dream that is shared between. A smile that says a thousand words. A love that you only have for one another.  It is the big and little things all at once that I miss so much. The day to day life is overwhelming in its own measure, but the loneliness, the loneliness is what buries me now. I caught myself calling his name to help me grab the stuff from the car today. Little things that I have done so many times that it just comes out without thought. Yesterday I hit his number on speed dial, ready to blurt out ........ nothing... for he was not waiting on the other end. It's the big and little things all wrapped in one. The longing to have him back about breaks me at times. The loneliness is suffocating. I want to be held. To be cherished. To be valued. To be loved as a husband does a wife.... and yet he is not here.  And so I tell myself once again to look to God. For where else is love, comfort, cherishing, value to be found.
The verses and songs Josh and I picked for our wedding in so many ways have been a blessing to me through his death, funeral and now. Even back then I remember thinking, "Are you crazy?! Who picks 'Blessed be the Name of the Lord' for a song at their wedding?!" Not exactly a traditional wedding song to sing on a wedding day with all that giving and taking away, and roads marked with suffering bit. And yet, we really felt God leading us to select it.  We also chose Hosea 2:19-21. Another unpopular choice of verse considering the context, and yet I find such assurances in it now as it is God promising to betroth himself to his people. To this I cling now, looking to my God who promises to love me with compassion and faithfulness forever.

"I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord. - Hosea 2:19-21

But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress. - Psalm 59:16