night of labor

As I sit here yet again at 4am, unable to sleep, the tears come as usual. And with the tears, the angst. Most nights it helps to pray for others. I am so grateful for the grace God shows the moment that I take to stop thinking about myself and pray for others instead.  I hate how self- absorbed grief is. I am sick of thinking about myself and how I feel, of slowly working through each new day of heartache that hits me afresh. I know I am hiding right now in the busyness. I am tired of crying. I am tired of the rawness. I am tired of feeling.  And then this darn 4am hits, and I am awakened to darkness and silence and only God here with me. I know there is purpose in the tears, but at the moment I really  hate 4am.

I especially am hating 4am this morning. At about this time seven years ago today, my water broke a month early. I woke Josh full of both joy and fear, fear of the pain I knew to come and joy at the mere thought of meeting my child we had longed for.  And the pain and the hours of waiting were more than I ever thought possible. And yet, at the end of that long night and day and night of pain, I held a beautiful baby boy in my arms for the first time.  And in a moment the pain was nothing compared to the joy that overwhelmed my soul. Oh the joy. If only every labor held such an obvious tangible blessing, such as a beautiful baby, at the end that made the pain worth it.

And yet, my boy is turning 7 today.  He is so much like his daddy with their even-tempered laid back spirits, that spike when competitive or angry. His desire to wear short sleeves with no coat in the cold. Their shared love of pizza and burgers.  Their love of guns and sports and all things manly.  I look at him and see so much of Josh. And yet now I look at a boy that doens't have a daddy to hold him with such pride. He doesn't have his jungle gym. He doesn't have the ribs or pizza or hamburgers his daddy loved to make for him. And while losing Josh for me hurts so bad I think I could break, watching my children mourn and hurt for their daddy shatters me. I can't fix it. I can't make it all better. I can't fill the Josh sized hole in their heart. And so I weep, clinging to Christ and praying for my dear ones to be held in the comfort of his arms that only he can provide. Lord have mercy.

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he has turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. - Psalm 116:1-2


Memory: Josh was incredibly good at being a support person 99% of the time. He has always been my tangible rock, my calm when I am not. So patient and always directing me back to trusting God in the midst. Seriously the best to have when laboring for hours on end. However, I will never forget after the epidermal failed to work on half my body after I finally succumbed to having one after 20 hours of labor that Josh tried to comfort me by saying, "At least it works on half your body". I may have responded, "Give me your thumb, I will hit it with a hammer and then tell you at least your other thumb feels fine". It makes me laugh at the memory.

Thanks

I realized that yesterday was the first day that I can remember where I had a giant to do list and instead of just plugging away on it like normal, I hid. As in I did none of it and hid in my office and then literally under my blankets in bed rather than face any of it. Thankfully my mom was there to pick up the kids and get them started on stuff. I, however, was a hot mess.

However, today I was blessed beyond measure once again by the friends and family that God has placed in my life to fill in the gap.  I wish I could say I humbled myself and asked for help. But instead in a "I'm drowning and need a life raft" type of way I threw out my to do list in at group text not really expecting anything but a sympathetic ear, and instead I got the calvary. They showed up in both big and and small ways:  making Caleb's birthday treat cupcakes, wrapping all his gifts, helping me pack, volunteering to pick up the kids, bringing Caleb to cubscouts, making me smile, and even bringing me dinner after I forgot to eat anything but chips and salsa this evening. I am so blessed by friends and family that fill the giant gaping hole. Thank you my God for these that show me such bountiful love.

All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. - 2 Corinthians 4:15

No good, very bad day

It was a no good, very bad day. I was up for two hours in the middle of the night unable to sleep  The sad part is that there wasn't any one horrid event. I just couldn't get myself out of a funk that never seemed to end. I ended up with a headache by noon, was struggling to even focus on anything I was doing, and barely accomplished anything all day.  I locked myself in my office and hid in the dark for the last ten minutes of school. All day I was a hot mess. Crabby and upset. Vulnerable and raw. Exposed and afraid. Afraid of so many things. Of getting hurt. Of not getting everything done.  Of disappointing those I love. Of failing. Of communicating everything wrong.  Of so much. I hate feeling so open and raw with emotion all the time. I feel like I've been flung into this new world I don't like or know how to navigate. Widow. Ugh! Worst word ever. I hate it. It describes all that I hate- alone, bereft, death.
I came home from work and just hid under my blankets, trying to shut out the world for a minute. Most days I HAVE to be strong. I have three children that need me constantly. I have a home to run and work to do. Today I am a broken hot mess, hurting and raw. Unable to protect my heart- from heartache and sorrow, pain and grief. World, be careful with me, for I am broken and fear I may shatter.
Lord have mercy.

We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so this his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. - 2 Corinthians 4:8-11

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. - Psalm 116:1-2

The little things

A hand to hold on the way. A speed dial that is always on the ready. A hug that calms the world around you. A look that says it all. A dream that is shared between. A smile that says a thousand words. A love that you only have for one another.  It is the big and little things all at once that I miss so much. The day to day life is overwhelming in its own measure, but the loneliness, the loneliness is what buries me now. I caught myself calling his name to help me grab the stuff from the car today. Little things that I have done so many times that it just comes out without thought. Yesterday I hit his number on speed dial, ready to blurt out ........ nothing... for he was not waiting on the other end. It's the big and little things all wrapped in one. The longing to have him back about breaks me at times. The loneliness is suffocating. I want to be held. To be cherished. To be valued. To be loved as a husband does a wife.... and yet he is not here.  And so I tell myself once again to look to God. For where else is love, comfort, cherishing, value to be found.
The verses and songs Josh and I picked for our wedding in so many ways have been a blessing to me through his death, funeral and now. Even back then I remember thinking, "Are you crazy?! Who picks 'Blessed be the Name of the Lord' for a song at their wedding?!" Not exactly a traditional wedding song to sing on a wedding day with all that giving and taking away, and roads marked with suffering bit. And yet, we really felt God leading us to select it.  We also chose Hosea 2:19-21. Another unpopular choice of verse considering the context, and yet I find such assurances in it now as it is God promising to betroth himself to his people. To this I cling now, looking to my God who promises to love me with compassion and faithfulness forever.

"I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord. - Hosea 2:19-21

But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress. - Psalm 59:16

Beauty and the Beast

The kids and I went to see Beauty and the Beast in theatre with our friends today. It was fabulous!!! I LOVED it!!  The animated one was already my favorite Disney movie from my own childhood so I went in thinking the new one would be a let down. However, they did such a good job that we all loved it. It did bring a slew of memories though. I am so grateful that last year Josh and I decided to do a last minute trip to Florida and Disney with the kids. We were able to spend time with grandparents and have a one day trip to Magic Kingdom. The highlight of the trip for me was eating dinner in the Beast's castle while there. I was ridiculously excited about eating in the ballroom. I even made Josh dance with me as if we were waltzing. He of course stood there as as I flitted around him dancing. It brings back so many memories. Good ones, yet bittersweet.

Nighttime conversation

A nighttime conversation with my son as I'm tucking him into bed, "Caleb, what would you ask God tonight?" Between his thumb and puppy Caleb mumbles, "Why did daddy have to die?"
"Is there anything else you'd ask him?
Whispering once again, "Why did you not save daddy?"
"Caleb, what does God says back to you?"
Silence.
Then a small, sweet voice. "Sorry.  I love you."

Yes, Caleb, I think God is telling you that very thing.


Oh Lord, draw my children close to you. Hold them in your arms. Comfort and surround them with your everlasting love, and bring them to trust you more each day.


See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. - Matthew 18:10

Let the children one to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God....And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them. Mark 10:14,16

Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday. I have to confess that I was dreading the day, knowing the deluge of emotion that comes as we face these firsts.  However, it ended up better than expected. Yes, I still shed quite a few tears, but I also laughed, smiled, and was showed love by so many. I have realized that so much of birthdays is about not just turning another year older, but about having one day that you feel extra cherished, loved and special. I always cherished how Josh would spend hours smoking ribs because he knew I'd love them.  Half the reason I loved it was being able to bury my head into his chest smelling a mix of him and delicious smoked meat. YUM! But mainly it was the love I knew he poured into every meal he made for me and everyone else. It was knowing how with each gift he really tried to pick one that would delight me. Yes, it is definitely the love that makes a birthday special. And even though he wasn't there to do that, I had so many others that were there to fill in the gap. I was showered with so many thoughtful gifts, actions, words, and cards. Between Bible study with God, lunch with friends, shopping fun with my sister, and dinner with family, I had a wonderful day being showered with love. I even was able to start the day with my lovely children who woke me up before I was even out of bed to bring me all the treasures they had found and made. And so my birthday was a good day. I praise God for the bountiful blessings he has given me in all of you.

I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. Ephesians 1:16

Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. - Psalm 106:1

Water park weekend fun

Josh's mom had come up with the idea of a waterpark weekend together with the family as our Christmas gift.  We both loved the idea of doing a present rather than actual physical gifts. I always love the memories, joy and fun that happens when family spends time all together doing something fun. The plan was originally to go in February but with a long awaited bundle of joy that decided to show up early, we rescheduled for this weekend. The kids and I left Friday with early dismissal from school so we could beat rush hour and the bad weather that was coming into town. It also gave us a chance to spend some time with Josh's dad's side of the family for dinner Friday night. The kids had a blast playing with cousins, eating pizza, and cuddling.

We left for the waterpark Saturday and the fun began right when we got there. They had two giant slides that the kids were terrified of at first, especially Grace. We had lots of talks about fear and bravery, and I was so proud of her as she finally conquered her fear and went down the yellow tube slide with me. By the end of the day all three were going down both slides by themselves! I love seeing my little ones conquer fears and grow so much. All the kids had fun floating down the lazy river, Jonah even fell asleep in the water on grandma.  They had a cool water play place too that the kids had fun playing on. Of course we plan thinking we will be in the water for hours all day, and instead after 2-3 hours we were toast and ready for dinner, basketball games and birthday fun. With all the March birthdays in the family we celebrated all together this weekend. I have to say my strawberry lemonade cupcake was delicious! YUM! It may be my favorite flavor of cake now. Of course the kids also loved the idea of staying in a hotel with cousins and family. It instantly becomes an adventure. :) All of us had a great time, and I am so glad we did it. 

Other than a few tears when Caleb realized he forgot to bring in puppy, and a few more at night as they missed daddy being there too, we all did quite well..... until we got about 5 minutes from home.  What started with a questions about high points and low points, ended up with sob fest as we listened to some of Josh's favorite songs at their request. They wanted to know what song Josh and I danced to at our wedding. Nothing like Garth Brooks' "To Make you Feel My Love" to make for a tear jerking last few minutes of our trip home. In an instant I am transported back to our wedding night as we danced together. He loved that song, and he loved showing all four of us love all the time. We talked a lot tonight about the choices we have: to let the anger and sadness we feel about Josh leaving us too soon become bitterness, or to choose to be grateful for the time we had, trusting God in the midst of the hurt. And so we choose to praise God for the love he gave us.   To Make you Feel my Love

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It doesn't not dishonor each other, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evi but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preservers. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Dreams

Nothing like a afternoon, evening and morning of repeatedly typing up letters stating, "My husband, Joshua Fink died on January 2, 2017, please close his account".  Not depressing and overwhelming at all! :(   His official death certificates finally arrived so on I go with yet one more thing that needs to be done and puts yet another nail in the coffin.  I hate all these stupid nails. Each one hurts and tears and brings waves of anguish anew. Each one symbolizes yet another reminder of the reality that Josh is really never coming back. He really is dead.  I really am alone. Every hope and dream we had together will never be. We will never travel the states as he works as a traveling histotech into retirement. We will never go to Hawaii or Rome together on our 20 or 30 year anniversary. We will never travel the east coast. We will never see him walk our girls down the aisle. He will never go camping with our son. All our hopes and dreams for the future will never be.... because there is no future for us. There is only the memories of the past. And we can't live in that past. Josh and all our dreams are dead. And so I weep. So alone. Begging for it not be true.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from my cries of anguish? My God I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night by find no rest. - Psalm 22:1-2

Be merciful l to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish.... But I trust in you, Lord; I say, "You are my God."... Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love.... Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord- Psalm 31:9-10, 16, 24

Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you. - Psalm 33:20-22

Lord, my Savior cover my children with your love. Even as our dreams have died, grant us a hope and future full of bountiful joy in you beyond anything we could have asked for or imagined. May the Psalms in your Word always move us from despair to hope in You.

Pistons Basketball!

The kids and I went to a Pistons basketball game tonight- their first game ever!!! I won't lie; I was slightly terrified of taking three kids to a basketball game. I had visions of losing one of them or getting lost finding our car in the parking lot. However, I knew they'd love it and I didn't want my own fears stopping us from doing things. Life is too short.  Even with my initial misgivings, it ended up being SOO fun! It probably helped that we were totally spoiled! We were given them by a super generous family. The tickets were incredible! They included dinner at the Lexus club. The kids loved the fruit, free refills on juice, pizza, and buns. They even let us take a drink to the game and we got a bag of popcorn thrown in too!  But the big surprise came when our tickets were third row from the floor, right behind the broadcasters and benches. We were sooo close! And then at half time we got dessert too- delicious pie!  I was initially expecting the kids to get bored, but instead they were into it the whole time, and even wanted to stay until the very end. We were one of the last ones there. Unfortunately the Pistons lost, but we all still had a great night. And the cherry on top was it included reserved parking that was in the first row so I totally didn't get lost!  The kids very first and last comment of the night, "Daddy would have really loved to go to the game with us too. Although he probably would have liked football or golf even better. Do you think they play sports in heaven too?"

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. - Deuteronomy 31:6

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

missing him

I remembered too late that it was Pie 3.14 day... And now I want pie. Bummer.

 This week is a whirlwind of running from one thing to another. Work has been especially busy with scheduling students for classes next year. I LOVE this part of work so it has been fun, but the early mornings and leaving late has made things a bit chaotic. Add allergy shots, homework, and girl/boy scouts on top of it and we are running like chickens with our heads cut off. Of course the kids are making me pay for it in spades in the evening.

I feel like a broken record. My emotions swirl and rotate and the minute I feel okay, the horrible ones come back to steal the breath out of me again. I was okay last night and then today I am back to feeling sucker punched. I miss him so much. I miss the smell of him after he has been grilling all day. He was always such a good listener. He made me feel like he wanted to know me and everyone else that he spent time with. I miss how we got each other. He knew in a moment how to make me laugh. He was a calm in each storm. I can tell my children so desperately miss climbing on their jungle gym, rough housing and hanging all over him. I can't give them that. I don't play that way.  Tonight I am taking the kids to a Pistons game. The first thing that kids said when they found out was, "Daddy would have really loved to go too." He loved sports and I loved sports because he did. I think of how many things I do because he loved it and I wanted to be with him and show him love by loving the things he loved- golf, football, histology.  Some days are ok, but today I just plain miss him.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever- Psalm 73:26

Alone

I have always hated being alone. I like people around. I like living with others. Even when Josh and I were first married we had a never ending stream of friends and family who would live with us for seasons of life. Josh used to tease me that after our kids were grown that we'd have to live in a commune or host others forever to meet my never ending need to have company. The last few years with Josh working nights were tough as I'd be on my own at night more often. I usually found friends to visit or just hang out with the kids, but typically we'd always find our way to be around others.  And now....the loneliness threatens to overwhelm so often. I so miss my go-to companion and friend. The one that I knew would always want to hang out with me, talk to me or just be with me.  It's the gap that I don't know what to do about. Even this week I have the opprotunity to get 4 suite tickets to a Pistons game, just enough for the kids and I to go. However, the thought of doing that without another adult along with me makes me want to cry and not go at all. The other side of me just can't pass up the opportunity of a free Pistons game suite that my kids would adore! I don't want to rob them of such a cool and fun experience just because I'm afraid, overwhelmed or just feel lonely.

I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust." - Psalm 91:2

Answers?

Waiting. Weeks on weeks of waiting for ....Answers? I had prayed that the autopsy would have answers. Would make everything clear and explainable. Cardiomegaly - left ventricular hypertrophy, cardiac chamber dilatation. Words that leave me searching for every last ounce of my AP Biology vocabulary I haven't used since high school. And yet why? There are no good answers for the reason why did he die. Why was the vetricle enlarged? Why did it happen? Why did we not see it coming?

I went to bed last night struggling and woke up this morning struggling even more. I can't blame Caleb too much for having us running into school as the bell was ringing at 9 considering that I only managed to drag myself out of bed at 8:30am. His getting out of bed at 8:40am did little really make us that much later. Thank goodness for quick dressing and granola bars in the car. I wandered through the day, barely holding it together. I managed to make it to work but could hardly function. When I made the call at 2:30pm to see if the autopsy was done, I struggled to focus or think about anything else. Then the answer: cardio blah blah blah... in simple terms- heart attack.  Racing to the Coroner's office to get the report before closing. Leaving half the stuff in my office strewn about and forgetting everything I had to finish this weekend for Monday. Finally getting the report and desperately trying to read and interpret it only to discover the report had no real answers. No answers that satisfy. For what answers could ever satisfy the question of why my love is not with me. Why my husband isn't cuddled by my side. Why my children's father isn't watching their basketball game or cooking them dinner. Why a son isn't calling to see the plans for the weekend.  Why.

The autopsy did not bring the answers, closure or peace that I was longing for. Then again, I am not sure that it would ever have the power to do that. For the answers are perhaps not for me to fully understand. Why did my 36 year old husband die? So I cling to what I do know. God called Josh home. He is alive and well in heaven.  God is still faithful and loving.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.- Psalm 139:16

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.- John 14:27

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. - Lamentations 3:22-23

2

Inadequate

Parenting alone. Can I say how inadequate I feel. Today especially it hit home as how to handle conflict between kids, and discipline, and school, and sickness, and bedtimes, and so many other things I can't even begin to describe them. I'm disappointed in behaviors, and am at a loss of how to parent my loves well. I don't know how to do this without Josh. I question everything I say and do, afraid I am going to screw them up.  I throw a quick prayer up to God a thousand times a day begging for patience and wisdom before I lose it over just one more moment of bickering or whining or fighting.  And then I do lose it as I start lecturing at 8:30pm that 'I am serious that it is time to be done playing night ninja in the pitch dark AND wind down for bed now'.  Of course this means that I am met with tears, and 'it is not fairs' and 'you promised to play a game with us' woes. So on we go with quick games, drying tears, and hugs. I'm tired. So tired. And  just when I think they are finally in bed, instead my energizer bunny girls have come back in every five minutes for some other urgent matter to report.  I am weary. So inadequate. Lord please help.

Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Hangry

How can one day to the other, one minute to the other be so vastly different? I was so excited to head to a friend's house before going to the Lenten service at church, and instead the day was hijacked by a boy who came out of school complaining about his ear hurting. I am so thankful the doctor could get him in right away tonight, but between the high winds, down power lines, horrid traffic and hour and a half in the doctor's office, I am just plain done. I currently sit in a Burger King booth because with the crawling traffic my HANGRY kids were going to lose it if they didn't get food immediately.  Praying when I get home I find the trampoline still in the yard and a home with power so my freezer meals are still frozen! Guess that means I better hurry home before it gets dark!

Be still and know that I AM..... God.

Holidays

Tonight in the grief counseling group we talked about how to handle upcoming holidays, birthdays and special occasions over the year.  I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it. There is so much tradition steeped into everything we do, and Josh is in everything we do. Some of my favorite memories include these traditions. Josh always making us our favorite dinner for our birthdays, which typically included grilling us some kind of ribs or steak. Shooting guns all Memorial weekend at the cabin with the kids begging Josh to learn how to shoot the BB gun.   All of us putting up the Christmas tree together, with Christmas music in the background and Caleb typically plopped in Josh's lap. Josh lifting them up to put up the angel on the tree. Josh making his favorite spicy molasses cookies at Christmas with his mom and the kids. Josh practicing all December for his entry in the family cook off on New Years Day (another favorite day for us all- yum food!).  This doesn't even begin to touch on Father's Day, birthdays, and the other events to come. So weird to have our very favorite times of the year tinged with sadness and longing.
And yet the tinge affects every day life as well.  Tonight was the first night I actually cooked the entire dinner instead of having a meal brought to the house or eating leftovers. Just spaghetti, but when all four of us sat down, the gapping hole at the head of the table was never more obvious. Kayleigh's comment was, "We have always had one extra seat but now we have two. It's lonely without daddy here. I miss him making dinner and eating with us."  So do we darling. So do we.

"Have faith for the small battles and courage for the big ones. And at the end of the day go to sleep in peace; God is awake."

So do not fear, I am with you; Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.- Isaiah 41:10

slow weekend

It was a delectably slow weekend. Good in some ways and hard in others. The pace of the last month has been so breakneck that it was good to have two days where we didn't have much to do. I won't lie though, the thought of having TOO much time at home just us four made me a little panicky. Weekends in some ways are always the hardest. It's when missing Josh often hits the most for us all since it is when he was around the most. Even little things like finding a shirt of his in the bottom of the laundry did me in. Caleb found me as I pulled it out and we both cried and hugged it and each other. Overall though it was good to slow down after a whirlwind Friday. I actually took the day off on Friday and by noon has completed my first Kroger click list pick up, completed a workout class, got a hair cut, and got my taxes turned in! On the way back my mom ended up in a fender bender but which put a dent in our plans, but she is all well so I will take it for ok day! We capped it off hanging out with school friends. So fun to have new and old friends.  Saturday we all slept in, did chores, and read. Pretty much a lazy Saturday morning.  We capped off the day with a visit with IV friends. It is so nice sometimes to be around friends that have known both Josh and me since we all were fresh faced college kids. I love their shared memories of us. I love that they know and lived the past with me and I know they will live the future with me too.  Today started with my favorite- church. I seriously love going each week. I love the fellowship, the worship, the time to stop and praise God with other that love Him too. Seriously one of my week highlights always.  Although stopping the bickering of my children as they elbow each other for who can sit nearest to me is not my favorite part- talk about claustrophobic and irritating!
Probably the most surprising part of this grief journey is the randomness of it. How one minute I can be overall doing just fine and the next I am in a puddle on the ground trying just to breath. A shirt can send me to tears, and a random text can send me to laughter.  How a song can bring joy and pain all at once. How there can be such sorrow for the lost future we dreamed of, and yet a distant glimmer of hope that we can have a future that is so different than the one we'd imagined, but still can be called good someday.  Please Lord heal my family.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

Homesick

This song captures so much. Oh how I long to see his face again.

The reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry 

Is how long I must wait to be with you.

I close my eyes and I see your face.

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. 

Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. 

Never been more homesick than now. 

In Christ there is no end.

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

to see you again. 

Homesick- Mercy Me You tube

Even if

Music has been such a balm for my heart. One of my favorites right now is "Even if" by Mercy Me.  "Even if you don't, My hope is you alone. Oh give me the strength to be able to sing, It is well with my soul." We prayed so hard on the day that Josh died for the doctors and God to save Josh. And yet, he died. Grief has made me realize how much faith is so much a decision, a resolution to love and honor God no matter the circumstances, no matter the pain, no matter the joy. To seek him with all my heart, mind and soul for comfort, peace, and care no matter what storm and pain life brings. For to Christ alone I look for all hope.

If you want to listen to it, click this link  Even If- Mercy Me

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Songwriters: David Arthur Garcia / Benjamin Glover / Bart Marshall Mallard / Tim Tmmons / Crystal Lewis

Two months

Two months. Has it really been two months? A moment and an eternity all at once. I don't even know how to process it. My thoughts and feelings are like a broken record... the sorrow, the longing, and the missing. How do you fill such a vast void? How many times do I wish for just one more day to hold his hand or bury my head into his chest? How endless the number of years that stretch out ahead until I can see him again.... I just can't wrap my head or heart around it. Two months. Forever. Until we meet again.

But as it is written, "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him." - 1 Corinthians 2:9

Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?" John 11:25-26

car sold

We sold Josh's car! Praise God for good news! It is a bittersweet relief. Being a 2 door coupe, it definitely was not a family car, but it served its purpose of getting Josh back and forth to work with awesome gas mileage. With that said, paying two car insurance payments for one to just sit in the driveway was not ideal. Unbeknownst to me Caleb had grand plans that he would get Josh's car when he turned 16. The reality that the car would be a rust heap if it sat in the driveway for ten more years until he was old enough to drive was completely lost on him. Needless to say he was not a happy camper.  Now to make my faithful rust bucket minivan which is creeping up on 200k miles last just a bit longer!

I already miss seeing that blue car sitting in my driveway each morning. Yet another reminder that he is really gone...

Realizations

Realizations. 

I really enjoy writing and experimenting with the English language. It is kind of fun and freeing to write, choosing to ignore the constraints of the English teacher rule book that is always in my head. I appreciate that writing gives me a way of remembering this time that in many ways I just want to forget, and yet know I need to somehow save. I also appreciate how it gives me time and a space to process the crazy mess of thoughts and feelings.

 I have always loved the psalms because it so adequately describes almost every emotion and experience imaginable. The depths of joy and anguish is found in God's Word, and I find overwhelming comfort to hear that God intimately knows me and my heart.  I come back to God's Word almost every time I write because it is the truth I am choosing to cling to.  Not that I always feel like trusting or praising God. I don't, but I choose to because I know He is my sovereign, loving God who holds me and my children now as no one else can. God is the source of comfort that gives anew each day. Who else is there to turn to? 

Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine... Fear not, for I am with you. Isaiah 43:1, 5